I literally just cried writing the title to this blog.. I’m not totally sure why that is but being a mom is an overwhelming incredible indescribable miracle at least in my case so calling myself a Mom is an emotional experience every time I say it.
I have never been incredibly public about that part of my life. If people would ask questions I would tell them, share the occasional Facebook post or video about this or that awareness month but have never really shared my story. Probably because every time I do I end up crying. So let see how far I can get before the tears start falling. I am a Mom, I am a Mom, I am a Mom. Ok I thought maybe if I wrote it a few times it would help keep the tears at bay. I grew up always wanting to be a Mom my whole life I always imagined having kids. It wasn’t until I was 21 sitting in the church conference room with the pastor who was going to marry us talking about our future and what we both wanted that to look like. A marriage a family… kids. It was after I had mentioned kids a few times that he asked….. the dreaded question.
“What if you don’t have kids?”
A moment of silence
I, I had not even (yep here comes the tears) I had never imagined a life without children. My soon to be husband and I left the church, the reality was about to settle in we had to talk about what would our future look like if it were just us? Could we be together and have a happy marriage? What would that look like? Well we really loved each other and decided that it didn’t matter. We could for sure be together weather or not it involved having children. Then that was that… we didn’t take the conversation all that seriously. I mean we totally were still going to have kids, or adopt or something. We moved forward got married bought a condo had good jobs and a cat. We were going to live happily ever after. We were in wedded bliss going to dinner, watching movies it was great. We decided that we of course wanted to have kids right away. Everything was going great, until it wasn’t.
and a year later…. we got another cat.
Friends and family all trying their best to be encouraging and supportive. “It will just happen”, “relax”, “don’t try”, “get drunk”. It hurt… Always. There was not a day I woke up and didn’t wonder why I was broken. I did everything right I didn’t smoke, I didn’t drink, I was a healthy now 23 year old women who after a year of trying without success is considered infertile. OUCH. It still stings. Its like an arrow straight to the heart. People constantly asking “So when are you going to have kids?” My whole world was a constant reminder that I could not have the one thing I had dreamed of my whole life. Was I being punished for something? Why was this happening? Baby shower after baby shower for friends… and 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 nieces and nephews. It became a dark, dark hole that I couldn’t get out of. (Dear Friends and family, Who may read this I’m sorry! I LOVE YOU and your Kids!!!!) My husband continued to support me, has never strayed, and has been by my side the whole time. As he promised that day after we left the church. Never knowing… what we would face but whatever that path was we would do it together. This was not just my problem. It was ours.
The 4th year was the toughest, 4 years of being in a dark black hole not sure what to do. I can’t say our marriage has ever been perfect but it weighed on us that 4th year. Everyday struggling, struggling to feel alive, feel like a women. Just smiling was a choice I had to make, do I put on a happy face? Can I get through this? How can I feel normal again? I can’t even go to the store without walking past that dreaded baby isle.
I prayed every night, for years…
September 8th 2009 I remember it clear as day though it seemed like a dream. When I decided to use that last test… that one the had been sitting in the bathroom starring at me like a silver bullet for months. Do I want to feel that pain again? I have never hated LINES so much!!!! When I lost my breathe.
Barely breathing barely holding on…. there was a switch. Something clicked. I was a MOM in just one instant.
Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t over. My high risk pregnancy, my troublesome labor, the scars that never go away.
I have a beautiful miracle gift from God son. He is almost 6.
The struggle continues. I have not been able to get pregnant again. It still hurts like an arrow straight to the heart. I can’t say I don’t cry. I can’t say I don’t think about it daily. This time though, its different even though it’s been 6yrs. This time there is no dark hole. This time I believe. This time I know God has a plan. I just have to let Him guide me. What does that mean? I don’t know. Another child? Adoption? No other children?
Having faith is having faith.
If you are or have ever been in this situation. You are not alone! My heart and prayers are with you. If you have questions or need support or prayers. I’m happy to be there for you!